||[Dec. 29th, 2014|10:13 pm]
|||||Clark Gable - Postal Service||]|
I had a moment today.
That moment slowly reached me and its still continuing to build even as I write this. I need to write it down before I lose it. Its this feeling of total clarity about my life and where its going. Where is it going? I don't know really, but for the first time I'm not worried about it. I'm looking forward to whatever is coming at me.
I worry too much. I try to predict and to plan ahead for things that don't happen. The truth is whatever does happen isn't what I expected and comes sooner than I expect. So why do I even bother? Its crazy.
Jansen (my best friend, i'm sure he's been mentioned many times in this thing) said something to me this weekend that just blew my mind... "be with the girl that makes you like the person she brings out of you". That... that is something I never thought about. I mean before we continue... this moment isn't about a girl... its about me being happy about my life... in general. You see, what he said set the stage, started a domino effect... A rock dropped into my philosophical pond causing a ripple which started a wake that built up into a wave that eventually drowned a butterfly flapping its wings.
I realized I'm over all this shit. So over it all. Over it in the sense that I'm cruising at 30,000 feet above looking down and realizing how inconsequential all these problems are. How I make things much bigger than they need to be. How I just don't care anymore whether or not someone feels a certain way about me. It doesn't matter because its all about the person I am becoming and whether or not I like that person. I noticed that I for the most part like who I am. That who I am has some work to do and that if I were to ever join forces with anyone... They need to bring out those better parts of me I am looking for.
I also realize that I've been living with some sort of mental haze. A haze that has been left behind by previous relationships and other people inserting themselves into my existence and me allowing them to affect me. Allowing them to bring out the parts of me I don't like and somehow accepting them as if its who I really am.
But its not. That guy that I hate... that guy isn't me.
I get to choose who I am. I control that. Not you. Me.