Log in

and the cake falls over. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ website | A history of listening. ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

happy New Years [Jan. 2nd, 2015|01:41 am]
Do I have any resolutions? Nope.

This morning was the first New Years in 10 years I wasn't feeling like death. We always made plans to go ice skating and never did. But this year. We made it out!

I guess in a way that's my resolution. Stop getting held back by shit. By people. By my own insecurities.

I need to stop getting caught up in people who don't want to take any meaningful stakehold in my life.

I realize I have abandonment issues, but people abandon me and that isn't my fault. I see that now. No reason to ever be so surprised anymore.
linkpost comment

Clarity [Dec. 29th, 2014|10:13 pm]
[music |Clark Gable - Postal Service]

I had a moment today.

That moment slowly reached me and its still continuing to build even as I write this. I need to write it down before I lose it. Its this feeling of total clarity about my life and where its going. Where is it going? I don't know really, but for the first time I'm not worried about it. I'm looking forward to whatever is coming at me.

I worry too much. I try to predict and to plan ahead for things that don't happen. The truth is whatever does happen isn't what I expected and comes sooner than I expect. So why do I even bother? Its crazy.

Jansen (my best friend, i'm sure he's been mentioned many times in this thing) said something to me this weekend that just blew my mind... "be with the girl that makes you like the person she brings out of you". That... that is something I never thought about. I mean before we continue... this moment isn't about a girl... its about me being happy about my life... in general. You see, what he said set the stage, started a domino effect... A rock dropped into my philosophical pond causing a ripple which started a wake that built up into a wave that eventually drowned a butterfly flapping its wings.

I realized I'm over all this shit. So over it all. Over it in the sense that I'm cruising at 30,000 feet above looking down and realizing how inconsequential all these problems are. How I make things much bigger than they need to be. How I just don't care anymore whether or not someone feels a certain way about me. It doesn't matter because its all about the person I am becoming and whether or not I like that person. I noticed that I for the most part like who I am. That who I am has some work to do and that if I were to ever join forces with anyone... They need to bring out those better parts of me I am looking for.

I also realize that I've been living with some sort of mental haze. A haze that has been left behind by previous relationships and other people inserting themselves into my existence and me allowing them to affect me. Allowing them to bring out the parts of me I don't like and somehow accepting them as if its who I really am.

But its not. That guy that I hate... that guy isn't me.

I get to choose who I am. I control that. Not you. Me.
linkpost comment

palisades parkway [Dec. 27th, 2014|10:42 pm]
It's been over 10 years... Jansen and I talking about girls while driving down palisades parkway. Still a thing :). This is our bonding time. No status, no class, just two guys and the nyc lights to our backs.
linkpost comment

horrible [Dec. 26th, 2014|12:17 am]
I realize I am probably a horrible person. I am afraid that as much as I try to be good I am just so rotten inside that I'm surprised people can't just smell me coming.

I spent the entire day with my little sister. We had a great conversation tonight that put the last 3 years into perspective for me.

I'm afraid I continue to mess up relationships before I have the time to plant them in the ground. Sometimes things go so well and then I make my wrong move and I'm back to the start.

Something is definitely wrong with me. All in all in the last 3 years things got bad, then they got worse, and then they got better but still shitty.

This year I managed to care about someone. You could even say I started believing in love again. That all may have been premature.

I have these feelings for someone and it scares the living shit out of me. I think I'd rather be alone for the next year than to ride a roller coaster of useless feelings. I'm not sure I even know what I'm doing anymore... Or how to treat a girl.

And yes... I come here to talk about girls.
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2014|09:59 am]
I wasn't planning on posting anything here for a long time...

Sammy called me on Thursday night.
I didn't know it was her number so I called it back.

I talked to her about things. Caught up with each other a bit.
Kind of broke my understanding of the world... My world until Thursday didn't include her in it.

... I asked her if she wanted to start communicating again.
She said yes... i think?

I tend to over think things... So maybe I should just allow her to exist in my understanding of the world. Just as any other girl.

... a girl who happens to have super powers.
linkpost comment

Green Grass of Tunnel [Nov. 24th, 2014|01:46 am]
[mood |happyhappy]
[music |Green Grass of Tunnel - mum]

Confidence is an amazing thing to have return to me :).

Thats all I can say.
linkpost comment

8/20/14 | 1:03 am [Nov. 16th, 2014|02:54 pm]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Together We'll Ring In The New Year - Motion City Soundtrack]

I've totally lost it.

I was doing fine and then she sends me this random email with a poem she wrote back in august.
WHY? What is this? What does it even mean? ... i'll post it at the end of this rant, maybe future me will understand it later.

Truth is... I can't get her out of my mind. I know that everything that had happened was all fucked from the start. We had 0 survival probability. She just tore at my sutures. I was doing great and then she threw sticks into my spokes and I'm totally flipped over the handle bars.

I sent her 3 messages... 3! REALLY?! No response from her. I'm sure she's sitting there content knowing that she can really cause havoc in my life whenever she feels like it. She must be so proud of herself.

Is it possible to close this out?! I'd love to. I'd love to just move on... but at the same time.. I still want her and I don't understand why for the life of me.

Anyway.. here is her message:

8/20/14 | 1:03 am
I’ve hurt him too much
I’ve dragged this for way too long
I was so careless
I completely did you wrong
I can not even ask
For anything in return
Please just walk away
and never do turn
I will now have to say goodbye
to the greatest memories we created
I must’ve wasted your time
Relationships are overrated
And as much as I would like to
Be left with a good note
Things are never quite simple
Choked on words with a raw throat
linkpost comment

Owning up [Oct. 25th, 2014|12:59 am]
[mood |excitedexcited]
[music |Thursty - Bassnectar]

I decided to own up to a fact.

I am the worst.

I am the worst at relationships. I'll take that. Fine.

But you know what I am good at? Being Single.
I am awesome at being AWESOME!

so.. I'll just go and do that :).
linkpost comment

I am awesome. [Oct. 18th, 2014|12:42 am]
[mood |sleepless]
[music |Ungirthed - Purity Ring]

I know how I am in relationships...
I think I need to learn to continue my path of awesome... even when I am in a relationship.

I get so un-awesome quick in relationships.

So I guess what I'm getting at is lately I haven't been interested in them at all.
Which then becomes the interesting part that my lack of interest has made it difficult not to get into one.

I don't get it, but its like looking for the remote. When you're looking for something else, you end up finding the remote. In my case, I just want to have some fun. I've done a lot this year but I had a hard time having fun in the moment because of being attached. I don't want attachment right now. There are a couple trips I am going on that I just want fun.

Last week I went to Kansas City to hang out with a client as they invited us out to fill a table at a charity event. Probably the most fun I had this year without worrying about another person. I really enjoyed that and want to just continue that level of awesome.
linkpost comment

Career... BRUCE... check. [Oct. 10th, 2014|10:55 pm]
I just got off the phone with my best friend.

Its crazy what we are talking about... Where we are in our lives.
He's out there in China checking on production lines and I've been working with multi billion dollar companies building solutions for their sales strategies.

Just a little over 5 years ago we were sitting at the local Chinese buffet debating if we really wanted to do physics homework.

This week has been great and ended on a bit of a dramatic note at work. Its interesting when you are not agreeing with the direction a particular group of people are going regarding our relationship with a rather large client. Its important to own up to mistakes and key to communicate with a client to understand what it is that they truly need. These people in my company did neither and continued to try to push their idea for a solution to our client. I stepped in and said what needed to be said as an advocate for our client and ruffled some feathers.
linkpost comment

[ viewing | 10 entries back ]
[ go | earlier/later ]