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Six figure club [Dec. 31st, 2015|05:29 am]
I jumped a tax bracket this year.

Made 10k in bonuses...
Almost hit that $100k
Off by a couple grand.
You can literally round it up to 100...

Can I count millage reimbursement?

I have no one to talk about this with. I make too much money for my friends.

I am alone.
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Step back. Avoid the mess. [Oct. 27th, 2015|12:40 am]
[mood |reflective]
[music |Half Measures - The Prize Fighter Inferno]

Things have gotten a little complicated.

Last Thursday I got really close to making a huge mess... My emotions reached this peak that I could no longer tolerate, so I left work. Then later that day I ran into her at a show... which honestly... I was looking for her. I was so drunk that I don't remember much from running into her and I kind of just went off and did other things.

Lucky I got angry drunk way later in the evening and had a buddy to spill it all on. I am really greatful of my friend for being there for me. It was a close one.

I think a convo from earlier today sums up what I'm thinking:
"so after the Kaskade show...
I was kind of left with a bad taste in my mouth about [her]…
not that she’s a bad person… its just… when I saw her at the show...
got introduced to her friends..
i got a realization of context.
… which I am just not a part of.
Also… I realized I was chasing her
and trying to insert myself into a life that isn’t mine.
which is both not good.
so… I need to just continue with what I’m doing… with my life...
and let her live hers. with the path she’s paving with her boyfriend… because thats something i’ve been overlooking… like some ki[n]d of idiot."

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between now and forever I'll tell you my thoughts [Oct. 6th, 2015|01:37 pm]
This weekend was interesting.

Seeing Nicole was everything I needed. To see someone taking care of her and knowing that her and lucian is going to be ok makes me happy. I know I can't be that guy. So knowing someone is doing it makes me feel at ease.

I don't feel guilty anymore. I feel free.

Spending time with justine and family was everything i needed. I feel like i can take on the world again after just a weekend away. Family is def the only thing that can recharge me.

As for this girl. Idk. I need to stop worrying about that stuff.. there is no rush and I def don't need the complications of someone in a relationship.
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Back to FL [Oct. 2nd, 2015|09:42 am]
[Current Location |MSP Airport]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Dashboard Confessional - This Bitter Pill]

Going to FL for Lyra's first Bday... Justine's kid.

It would of been something I would have been super excited for... Actually no... I am still super excited about it... Just not looking forward to seeing Nicole. Yeah, she'll be there.

On another note. I feel like i'm leaving something behind, something I'd rather be next to... But really what am i leaving behind? She isn't mine and even if she was single I'm not sure she'd be mine. I don't understand why I get attached to people. Idk if Im being lead on, but I can just tell when a girl is into me and she's showing all the signs. Or am I seeing what I want to see? Maybe a disruption from my week is good. Maybe running into Nicole again will be good. Maybe this is the weekend that will change my life?

... I haven't had much of those in a while. I need to stop wasting my time. I need to not let people live in my mind without paying rent.

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gosh I hate sunday. [Sep. 6th, 2015|07:09 pm]
[music |Dashboard Confessional - Until Morning]

its good nobody reads this fucking thing.

man... why is timing such a bitch. i know for sure she's right... but she's in a relationship and they have done a shit ton together... I'm just noise.

I just need to move on, but we'll see each other on Wednesday and I won't be able to help myself.

... I'm so tired of this shit.

Want to hear something even more sad?
I cried watching the move "warm bodies".
And I was reading the book "Armada" and there was a part in the book where the kid calls his mom for the first time after finding out that his dad he thought was dead was still alive and that the whole world is going to end in a couple hours. Fucking bawled. Ugh Sundays are so emotional.

Something about Sunday makes me feel so alone... so anxious. Idk what is wrong with me.
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Interstellar, a love story [Sep. 2nd, 2015|11:32 pm]
Wow just watched interstellar.

"Love isn’t something that we invented. It’s observable. Powerful. It has to mean something. Maybe it means something more, something we can’t yet understand. Maybe it’s some evidence, some artifact of a higher dimension that we can’t consciously perceive. Love is the one thing that we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space."

My sister and Anthony had a fight today because of something stupid. Hopefully they are ok, I shared that quote with them.

Speaking of which... idk what is going on with me. I don't want to get involved with a girl who has a boyfriend... we all know how this story goes... by god we do. Lets just look back in these journal entries not even a year... not even a couple months.

But this is different.
This is so different.

... By now you would think that there wouldn't be anything new or special.
But somehow there is.

Everything about her eases me. Like when they say, "you just know".

... No way is it that.
Give it a year and I'll come back and laugh at this.

This girl though... I feel alive.
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I need to write down my thoughts [Aug. 30th, 2015|12:26 pm]
I've noticed lately that I have been unable to communicate well.

I think it is because I've decided to stop writing my thoughts down. I have been so... embarrassed i guess to express what is on my mind. Maybe that is where art dies. When you no longer feel comfortable expressing yourself.

I've been so frustrated lately. Everything never seems to come together. People say things will come together, but damn, I don't ever get that. I might have already missed my time. Maybe my time has already passed?!

Ugh. I meet the most amazing girl and turns out I can't have her.
I need to not do what I usually, which is make a huge mess.

I need to stop making messes.
... well I think I've stopped for the most part.

And I find myself so bored.
being good is so boring.

what do I even believe in?

what do I even want?

I'm gonna re-read some of this shit I wrote here because maybe I can laugh at myself some.

anyway.. whatever. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

... just let it out and be unfiltered i'm telling myself in my head right now. So what if these posts seem rambling.

Also.. Update.

I visited Nicole in april. It was awesome to see her. I was so happy.
It was weird being around her after so long.
I met her son.

My heart broke when she told me how everything is going.

Its not going well...

I LOVED that girl so much and to see her where she is. Breaks every bit of me.
Then I left.

I left because I was scared of getting involved.

A week later she told me we can't ever speak again.
... I tried to fight it, but she was being so cruel I just decided FUCK this. I will never have a feeling for this girl ever again.

And that's Nicole... Thats the closing chapter on that.

Another one of my friend's girlfriends likes me.
She's kissed me already... and other things.



I just want to be with someone who is available.
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Loneliest [Feb. 18th, 2015|11:18 pm]
The loneliest I ever felt was when I was working on a 3 week project in Madison, WI.

And this has been the loneliest couple years being here in MN.

I've done my time damnit.
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Clarity pt. 2 [Jan. 11th, 2015|09:46 pm]
[music |Hold Me Down - Motion City Soundtrack]

This year is about clarity.

I've spent enough time wasting my time on people who don't appreciate me. People who play games and think they can get away with their actions without any consequences.

Its time to quit all the distractions.
I need to move forward.

A hand full of people have managed to really let me down lately and I have chosen to lower their priority to me. My time is valuable. My effort is valuable.

You are only as important to me as I am to you.
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interesting [Jan. 6th, 2015|10:15 pm]
I believe someone out there has captured my interest. The interesting part is that I kind of judged her as a type of person and didn't really give her much thought.

She is turning out to be so interesting and so much not like the person I pinned her down to be.

It's been rather refreshing the time I've spent with her... The most interesting part is her acceptance of me. Seriously I already fucked this all up or thought I did by being a complete jack ass the other night. She still wants to hang out with me and seems genuinely interested in the person I am outside of being that complete jerk she already has seen me as.

That's the worst of me. She's already seen it and yet she is still around. Nobody does that. So I'll be sweet and I'll be kind. Someone like her deserves to see the best of me.
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